15 weeks and 1 day....15 weeks and 1 day...That is etched into my brain for the rest of my life because Decker lived for 15 weeks and 1 day. Today, Foster is 15 weeks and 2 days old. Officially, my baby is older than his big brother, and that is a VERY strange feeling. Mostly this post is going to be about parenting and a few observations that I have made to date. Fully realizing that my experience as a parent has been largely different than most everybody I know, I still have a few thoughts/experiences to share.
Opinions are like assholes - EVERYBODY has got one. When you have a child, everybody feels like it's their duty to tell you their opinion(s) and how you should be doing things, or more specifically what you are doing (or did do) wrong. It's really ridiculous. And the most offensive people tend to be the other mommies of the world. I feel like mommies should band together and support each other. That really is soooooo not the case. I am constantly shocked at how judgemental other mommies are of each other.
Example #1: Method In Which You Give Birth
There seems to be a growing swell of women that feel the need to constantly remind you that they had their baby "naturally". Hey, I think it's awesome if you want to birth your child the old fashioned way for whatever your reasons (eg: modern medicine is evil, "this is how women have birthed children for thousands of years", you're a hippie, you think it's better for you and/or the baby, etc., etc. etc) but please SHUT UP about it. I want to stress that not ALL women who have babies the "natural" way are like this, but there a lot of them out there that are worse then born-again-Christians. They constantly feel the need to preach to you about their experience and why it is the ONLY way to have a baby. Well guess what girls? It's not the only way to have a baby and don't let ANYONE make you feel guilty about how you choose (or perhaps don't choose) to have a baby. Having a baby naturally does NOT mean you deserve a metal, nor does it make you a better mother. It simply means you are going to feel pain...and a lot of it.
For the record, I had two emergency c-sections and I had no choice either time. I will share my very abbreviated story about the birth of Foster with you.
I had been having intermittent pain in my lower abdomen for about three weeks prior to Foster's birth. I had discussed it with my OB, had done all kinds of research on the Internet, and basically had chalked it up to my body preparing for labor since I was still seven weeks away from my due date. My OB is awesome and was totally on board with me trying a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) and so I was getting prepared mentally.
On July 7, 2013 about 11:15pm I had a contraction that literally brought me to my knees. I was crying and screaming. It. Was. Awful. After taking way too long to get through my OB's call exchange, Kevin got me dressed, into the car, and to Hoag Hospital. BTW, want to know how long that contraction lasted? 20 freaking minutes! I've only had one contraction in my entire life, but that one was long enough and painful enough to know I never want to feel another one of those again....EVER!
Once in the hospital, I got hooked up to the fetal monitors and when I started have CRAZY pain again (although this time not a contraction), and the baby's heart rate decelerated, they rolled me right into the OR and got Foster out in about 30 seconds. And do you want to know what they saw? They saw that my previous c-section incision was wide open and that I had birthed Foster internally. He was free-floating in my abdominal cavity. Yes, you read that correctly! Yes, it is incredibly rare. Yes, it is incredibly dangerous for both mother and baby. And yes, we are incredibly lucky we were at the hospital at the precisely the right time where this story turns out with a happy ending. PHEW!!!!
The reason I tell this story is because for all intents and purposes I had a "natural" c-section. So I say SUCK IT to all you natural birthing moms that feel superior. It's ridiculous to think that what works for one woman will work for another. So please get off your soapbox and let other women do what they think is right for their own bodies and their own babies. If at any point someone wants your opinion, they will ASK you for it. Until then, SHUT UP!
Example #2: Breastfeeding vs. Formula
This may be one of the single most divisive topics out there in the world of parenting. I think based on all of the studies out there that it is safe to say that the best food for a baby is breast milk. With that being said, not everybody can or even wants to breastfeed for a large variety of reasons - ALL of which are valid and are OK. Giving your baby formula doesn't mean you are a bad mother or that your baby isn't going to grow up to be an intelligent, healthy and/or happy person. I seriously know someone who had a La Leche breastfeeding consultant tell them that their child wouldn't go to college if they didn't breastfeed their baby. SERIOUSLY?!?! I would have not so politely asked that crazy-bitch to remove herself from my hospital room immediately.
I have been lucky in the fact that my body produces a good amount of milk. I wasn't able to breastfeed Decker - but I did pump my milk for his feedings for all 15 weeks and 1 day of his life. And with Foster, other than his one brief breastfeeding strike he went on, things have been pretty smooth sailing. He's a cooperative baby with a good latch. Plus, I do wholeheartedly believe in the health benefits. I am a stay-at-home mom so I have the time to commit to the task. Lastly, I am cheap. I can't see paying for formula when my body makes it easily for free. But I can tell you, I don't feel superior to other mothers just because I breastfeed. Furthermore, I think it is downright shameful when anybody that breastfeeds tries to "save" the mother who is using formula.
I've heard woman say they would rather buy breast milk from other women because they would NEVER feed their baby formula. That is fine stance to have for YOUR baby; however, there is no need to shame other women who have a differing view. And for the record, some of these breastfeeding Nazis are the same women who have said they would buy breast milk from random people over the Internet before they ever gave their child formula. Ummmmmmmmm, come again? You are so worried about the health of your child that instead of buying breast milk from a breast milk bank (where they screen the mothers and test the milk for purity) you would rather find a random person on Craiglist or on an Internet chat room to order up some milk from what could be a person with a variety of issues: IV drug user, smoker, HIV positive, someone with poor hygiene, has STD(s), someone who boozes it up as they pump, etc. etc. etc.??? Here is one of the only times I will judge another mother because you are just being irrational. Please spend the extra cash and go through a breast milk bank. I beg you. Crap, if you know me, I will pump and give you my breast milk (I can prove that I am clean, healthy, non-boozer, non-drug user, with no communicable diseases). Let's try and be level-headed here girls. There is no sense in risking your child's life on a total strangers breast milk just to circumvent formula when there are SAFE options out there.
And then there are the people that are anti-breastfeeding and are totally pro-formula. I have the same complaints with these people. It's not your body or your baby so why do you care how someone chooses to feed their baby. Sheesh!
Once again I will repeat this: It's ridiculous to think that what works for one woman will work for another. So please get off your soapbox and let other women do what they think is right for their own bodies and their own babies. If at any point someone wants your opinion, they will ASK you for it. Until then, SHUT UP!
Example #3: Demand Feeding/Attachment Parenting vs. Scheduled Feeding/Parent Directed Household
I could generally care less about how you choose to feed or rear your child until you constantly complain about your method and then tell me that mine is WRONG. I will LOUD and PROUD tell you that we use the "On Becoming Babywise" book. I love the "parent directed household" approach. I love the schedule while using your common sense and flexibility approach. I love the scientific evidence it illustrates regarding fore-milk and hind-milk (full feedings vs. snack feedings) and the link between that and a baby that can/will sleep through the night. I happen to mention this book in a Facebook post recently, and I got SEVERAL e-mails from a variety of people. Some e-mails were informative, some were people that the same book worked for them, and some were just people being judgmental. Look, if you want to feed your kid 24 times a day and NEVER sleep through the night - have at it. But don't tell me I am doing it wrong because my child and I are well rested and happy. It's hard to take anybody seriously when they are the one who is constantly complaining about their own method.
I am here to tell you that this book worked for us. It may or may not work for you. It may or may not be the right method for you. I suggest if you are having baby to research and read about different methods and start by trying the one that you think will work best for your family. The one you choose may work perfectly off the bat. It may need some tweaking to get it to work for you. Or perhaps, you have to abandon ship and try a different method altogether. Whatever you do, just know that it will be the right choice for you, your baby and your family. And at the end of the day, that is all that really matters. DO NOT let anyone make you feel guilty for your decision.
For the third and last time in this post: It's ridiculous to think that what works for one woman will work for another. So please get off your soapbox and let other women do what they think is right for their own bodies and their own babies. If at any point someone wants your opinion, they will ASK you for it. Until then, SHUT UP!
So that's my parenting commentary for now. That's 15 weeks and 2 days worth of observations. I am sure I will have LOTS more as I continue to watch Foster grow-up. In the meantime, I hope that people focus a little more on themselves, and less on what other people are doing wrong in their parenting style. If not, they just might end up on my blog in the future. So please just try and support one another - especially all you mommies out there. Let's try to be on the same team, even if our methods differ.
Firstly, I want to say sorry about the loss of your baby. I can't imagine the pain you must feel from having lost a child. My heart hurts for you. I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, I whole-hardheartedly agree with your statement "I feel like mommies should band together and support each other." This doesn't seem to be the case though, does it? A good case in point would be parts of your blog post above. You stated that "a lot of them out there that are worse then born-again-Christians". This statement not only knocks women who give birth naturally, but also born-again-Christians. If someone wants to give birth naturally, or be a born-again-Christian, good for them! To each his/her own!
So you know where I'm coming from, I am from the growing swell of women having their babies "naturally". Did I do because I'm a hippie (as you say)? No. Did I do it because I have something to prove and feel superior to women who don't choose to do it naturally? No. Did I do it because I hate drugs? No. Did I do it because I felt like it was the right thing for ME? An emphatic YES!
Let me share a story that might give you insight as to why I chose the natural route. My sister was 20 years old when she had my nephew. 20 doesn't sound all that young, but when it comes to making big decisions it's young. As her due date approached, her doctor told her she needed to be induced (the baby was fine, but the doctor felt it was time because at 9 pounds he was considered "big"). My sister, not knowing she had options, headed into the hospital to be induced.
The pitocin used in the induction made her violently ill and gave her excruciating contractions. When her doctor offered her an epidural to ease the contractions, she said agreed. The epidural then slowed down her contractions, to the point where labor had stalled, and so started the process of pitocin again. This vicious cycle continued until her labor was no longer safe for her or her baby. The baby wouldn't come out and in the process, he lost oxygen. He had to be sucked out of my sister with a vacuum, which deformed his skull. The loss of oxygen affected his brain, and he was born with Cerebral Palsy. Now the entire left side of his body doesn't work like it should and he is considered to be handicap.
You might be wondering what this story has to do with your blog post. The answer is - if my sister had known she had options, her birth story might have turned out differently. My nephew might not have had CP. When I was pregnant, I promised myself that I would learn as much about the birthing process as I could. In the process, I learned that natural birth was something I wanted to try.
I appreciate the people who supported my decision to have a natural birth. I put forth a conscious effort to never judge other mothers for their decision to have the birth of their choice, the way in which they feed their child, or any other child-rearing decisions.
The next time you come across a mother who blasts another mother for her decisions, talk to her and find out what's behind it. You might find it's a case of insecurity and the mother is simply looking for support and affirmations from another mother. That's always been my experience, anyway.
Best of luck to you, Mama.
Michelle:
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for taking the time to respond to my blog in such a thoughtful and heartfelt way. I really appreciate you sharing the story about your sister and her birth story and how it inspired you and challenged you to research your options for giving birth. I also wanted to take a moment to respond to how perhaps my words were misinterpreted and wanted to take a moment to clarify.
I 100% support any woman who choses to give birth naturally. I support all women in their choice on how they give birth, period. What I am NOT ok with it when a choice is shoved down other peoples' throats as the ONLY way or the BEST way. Shaming somebody because how they had their child is different from how someone else did, is down right despicable. I have heard this blatant superiority B.S. first hand. I have girlfriends that have felt guilty and ashamed about their birth method after being talked down to by similar women. I thought I was clear when I wrote, "I want to stress that not ALL women who have babies the "natural" way are like this..." I have friends that have given birth naturally and have never once spoken about their decision with a condescending tone towards others. I was giving commentary on how I have seen a growing group of women who do seem to put themselves on pedestals for having a natural births and speak offensively to others. Again, I never wanted to convey ALL women who give birth naturally are like this.
And in regards to my use of the term "born-again-Christians", I perhaps should have chosen a different word/description. It was more out of the sake of brevity then to offend anyone. I just wanted to illustrate a point of someone who finds religion and shoves it down the throat of others. I shouldn't have assumed that my definition of "born-again-Christian" holds the same connotation as it does for others. (Everybody I know who has found Christ, rather it be new or old in their life, just refers to themselves as Christians). I was just an analogy that perhaps could have been worded better.
Hopefully that clarifies my position better. I support all women in their parenting decisions and want others to do the same; however, I will not be quiet in the future when I hear a mommy be so righteous as to condescend to other mommies, period.