Today is Decker's "Angel Birthday". It has been one year since our little darling grew wings and joined the heavens. I had never heard the term "Angel Birthday" before I lost my son, and I still so desperately wish I had no reason to know or understand what that term meant. What I do know is that Decker's death will forever be a defining moment in my life. It was....correction, IT IS the most soul shattering and devastating event that I imagine I will ever experience (knock on wood). But from that loss, I know I am forever a better person, wife, friend, and mother to Foster because I knew and loved Decker. And I guess, there are worse things that could have come out my son's death then a better perspective and clarity on life and love.
While Decker's death was a defining moment for me, it is not all that I am now. So as I reflect on this past year without Decker, I have decided that I would like to ask any of you out there that may be reading this blog one small favor??? Can each of you make an effort to stop describing me as your:
Friend, Colleague, Former-Colleague, Friend from High School, Friend from College, Girl I Rowed With, Girl I Played Volleyball With, Sorority Sister, etc., etc. etc, .....WHO LOST HER SON.
Think about it. Have you ever thought about how people describe you? I am not quite sure exactly how people described me before Decker's death, but I know most of you now describe me now by indicating how you know me and that I recently lost my son. I don't blame you. I think I would probably do the same thing if I were in your shoes. But since I am not in your shoes, I guess I would just really appreciate it if we could just drop the "lost her son" thing. I've had my fill of kind and well-intentioned sympathy words, sad looks, people walking on eggshells or generally just acting awkward around me. I'd rather just be me (in whatever form you used to describe me as) and meet your family and/or friends as a normal woman instead of them thinking of me as a grieving mother.
I promise you all that this is not in an effort to forget Decker. I swear I talk about Decker daily and when people see me out and about with Foster and ask me if he is my first, I always reply that Foster is my second. That's all I will say. I won't offer up that I had a son that passed away (I am not looking to create an awkward situation with a stranger), but if they link together the right line of questioning after I have been vague, I don't shy away from mentioning Decker and that he passed away. While it may be easier for me to just fail to mention him, I think not acknowledging his life is disrespectful to his memory. So don't worry that I am trying to distance myself from memories or experiences with Decker. I assure you I think about him and celebrate him EVERY SINGLE DAY.
In any event, if you can grant me my one small request it would be GREATLY appreciated.
Moving on....I hope to blog more soon. I have been a little busy with this new baby, Foster!!! Speaking of Foster, he is AWESOME! I hope I am not overwhelming everybody on Facebook and Instagram with my almost daily picture updates. We are just so happy to have this little miracle in our lives that I want to share him and our joy with everybody.
Thanks for reading.
XOXO
