I thought today, June 13, 2013, was a good day to make my blog comeback as today would have been Decker's first birthday (and is my Mom's 65th birthday). I cannot believe an entire year has gone by since Decker's birth. It feels like the LONGEST year of my life and also the shortest. I know what I just wrote probably makes absolutely no sense to anybody out there that may be reading this, but there is no other way to describe it. I have learned that mourning the loss of a child has no rules and no time-tables. That my mood shifts drastically day-to-day, hour-to-hour, and sometimes minute-to-minute. That the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) fluctuate as swiftly as my moods and that I never know what will trigger a full blown melt down. I keep waiting for the 'old Shannon' to reappear, but am slowly realizing that the 'old Shannon' may not exist anymore. And on top of it all, I am pregnant (for those of you that don't already know), so throw some of those crazy pregnancy hormones into the mix of things and there are days I don't know if leaving the house is possible, let alone getting out of bed. Fun stuff, huh?
So to give you a little back story on the pregnancy....I found out I was pregnant on Thanksgiving day (November 22, 2012). For those of you not keeping track, that is less than two months after Decker's passing. My reaction to a positive pregnancy test (which I took on a whim because my stomach felt a little off) was a feeling similar to the wind being knocked out of me followed by hysterical sobbing. Not the reaction you think I would have? What I have learned is that a lot people just don't seem to understand that having another baby is not going to replace the hole in my heart left by Decker. And to say that Kevin and I were not ready to get back on the roller coaster of pregnancy/parenthood would be a major understatement. Seriously, years of trying to get pregnant followed by a miscarriage and then an infant death, we definitely had discussed throwing in the towel in regards to having children. And of course, neither one of us believed this new pregnancy would take. I mean, our luck thus far has been pretty dismal. We've just had to sit back and watch and wait every passing day and hope that things will turn out alright.......we are still waiting. Neither one of us will be able to breathe a single sigh of relief until a healthy baby boy is in our arms. Seven weeks, 3 days to go....but who's counting, right?
It has been exponentially more difficult to mourn the loss of Decker while pregnant and today being Decker's birthday is the perfect example of why it's so much harder. Today I should be throwing a first birthday party and seeing my little darling cram his fists into a smash cake with our family and friends around to watch. I am having a really hard time not being bitter. While I think I try very hard to be positive, today is just a day where I just would like to scream "WTF" to the universe and give it a big punch in the face. Today is a big reminder of all of the firsts that Decker won't get to experience and that Kevin and I won't get to enjoy watching. And I am utterly heartbroken that Baby Boy Byrne #2 (no, we still don't have a name for the baby) won't get to meet his older brother.
So the long and short of this entry is that today is a little more challenging for me than most. I knew it would be, but that doesn't make it any easier. In any event. I still want to wish my darling Decker a very Happy 1st Birthday.
We miss you and love you so very much.
